Tuesday, November 14, 2006

The Hardest Thing about coming back...

The Hardest Thing about coming back..

Is actually coming back. Gentle readers, let me tell you of a place, both strange a terrible. It is the place without the Blog, an empty, searing wasteland where curious thoughts tumble blindly, without purpose or audience. Nothing lives there; the ground is an ugly scrabble of dirt and dead roots of plants long devoured by time, the air dry and empty, pulling the moisture from your mouth greedily, like a suckling pig made of wind.

I wandered this place for weeks, lost, confused, alone. I carried with me a heavy burden: My life had pulled me into this nether region of woe and yet, as I stayed away, I began to Forget the way back, the way home.

That is until I realized something so simple yet profound to me. I am not Jesus.

Let that sink in. You might wonder, gentle reader, why I had confused myself with Jesus (not the one who sold you that used boombox off the back of his truck in 1987, but, you know, JC...The Man!) in the first place. Indeed, I had not known that I had tried to walk in his footsteps until a chance meeting and a non-sequitor from a well meaning but overly pedantic lawyer unfocused me and made me realize what I was doing. Lawyers? Ah yes...perhaps I should start at the beginning...

During the months of August, September, and October, my life took on complexity of cartoonish proportions. My father was Illegally jailed for non-compliance of a contempt of court charge dealing with his ongoing divorce/seperation with his 2nd wife who might just be the most evil person I know. He had sunk so far into depression that going to Jail was a Lift but he was not read his rights, he was not allowed to post bond or bail and was not even told the specific charge on which he was held.

My mother succumbed to the evils of alcoholism and we (myself and my wife, Raquita) were forced to put her in a Nursing home against her will. She agreed to give me power of attourney, and though she didnt want to go into the home, she knew that it was the best place for her.

My wife's sister got married.

My daughter started school (last week)

IT seemed as if life was not just throwing me curveballs, but fastballs, changeups, bean-balls, footballs, soccer balls, boomerangs, bean bags, bowling bawls, and a life sized blow-up doll of Pee-Wee Herman, just for it's own sense of evil comic absurdity.

And I thought I had to shoulder it all myself.

So I left and wandered the blogless wilderness for 40 days, soldiering on in what I thought was the true essence of manliness. You know, silently stoic, going down with the ship, holding together when other, mere mortal men, crack and scream under the pressure? Truly stupid stuff, but it seemed the right thing to do at the time, from my warped, fatigued point of view.

But then I met my fathers lawyer (the one my lovely wife secured for us). He talked about my father's case for awhile (my father has since been released, the Judge apologized for letting the whole thing happen and our lawyer is grinning about the chance to really ream the other lawyer for what he did to my father) but the conversation oddly segued into his experience with many pastors across the country, including our own pastor and his entourage with which he is never seen without in public. He said that Jesus, though he had his disciples, walked alone. Jesus carried the burdens and walked for the sins of all of us. Thank god that you and I dont have to.

My world stopped. Right. There.

I am not jesus. I dont have to walk alone. I dont have to drown in this guilt, and stress and regret. I dont have to shoulder it alone.

It was an epiphany, one that I should have known all along but has lost sight of on the way. From that day forward, my life, though no less complex, became much Lighter. I hugged my wife. I kissed my kid. I got my father out of jail. But I didnt come back to the bloggosphere.

The epilogue: My mother is doing well, gaining weight and is happier. She's surrounded by people who know her and a few who love her, including her own mother, and though she gets bored, is much healthier there than on her own where she could be by herself and not allow anyone to see her (which is exactly what happened).

My Father is moving ahead with the divorce proceedings and has gone back on his medication. He told me that it must be working because he found himself singing in the car with the radio off. He's never done that in his life before and it made me so happy I nearly teared up in the vietnamese restaurant we were having lunch in.

Raquita's Sister's wedding went off without a hitch, my daughter stole the show as the flower girl and nearly burst my heart with pride as she walked down that isle. I couldn't help but shout 'Thats my girl! Thats my daughter!' to the rest of the church as she calmly walked down the isle, throwing her flowers and reminding me, painfully, that in 25 years or so, I will be walking her down that isle to give her hand to some guy she's fallen in love with....sigh...

Cammy loves school, she's having fun, learning well, and charming the pants off of her classmates and teachers. She cried the first few times we left her and now just wimpers a litte. The joy on her face when she sees us both we go to pick her up just lifts my head every day.

Me? I'm doing well. I'm starting a new excercise and meal program with my wife so we can eat healthier and lose some weight. I havent had a chance to write a lick in these past two months as nearly every night has had me either putting out fires or lighting them, but I look forward to the lull between thanksgiving and christmas.

So, to recap. I'm back. I'm NOT Jesus. I'm happy though my life is still full. And I've returned to blogging actively, though my new site isn't up yet. It will hopefully go up this weekend once I find the perfect artwork to set the basic template off...

(Sorry it took so long amigos...thanks for the offers of help...funny that it took a lawyer to snap myself out of...myself...)


Sherri said...

Benti, you're back!

Your wandering is less like Jesus' and more like Moses'. Moses had thousands of people with him, all just as lost as he was.

Missed ya.

Jaelithe said...

Wow, just, wow.

That is a lot of junk to deal with at the same time.

I am glad to hear that some of the worst things seem to be getting resolved, to a certain extent.

And I'm glad to see you writing here again.